Gray Matter

Its been a long time since I have blogged. To be honest, kind of forgot about it. The semester got moving, and just got busy, and totally forgot about blogging. Was reading a friends blog tonight and thought that it might be a good time to get back into it.

I am currently sitting on my in laws couch. A couch that I have moved 5 times today by the way. But anyways, I am sitting on the couch. On the other couch, my father in law has fallen asleep as we watched some re runs of "The Office". Heather and her mom are in the kitchen backing. Its what they do best. Lets be honest, they can bake their tails off. We have been up in Redding for the past week, and will be here till New Years. I haven't done much. And that has been great. I have had a week to relax, be away, and spend time with my wife and her family. A lot of people dread the "in laws". A place where you are always on edge, and have to worry about pleasing people. Every time we go up to Redding, I just get to have fun and relax. It is a great place to do that. We have some friends up here, and it just is awesome to step away.

Life gets so crazy sometimes. I love my job, I love my life, and I love where Heather and I are going in life. Hopefully at some point in the somewhat near future we can buy a house. That is next on the list. But in the busy life that everyone leads, it is great to have a place and a time to just relax, and be with people. With no plans, no agenda, no schedule. It has been a great Christmas. A time to recognize the little things.

I read an article today about teachers. It was an article that talked about and explained about the idea that all teachers care. And that the reason that they become a teacher is because the care (I know you all have that teacher you are thinking about that never cared about you. And it was probably true. They never cared for you.) And out of this article, came this concept that goes beyond a classroom, to everyone, as long as they are in some kind of relationship.

Here is the main idea: That Showing you care for someone has nothing to do with you. That you can't care for someone unless they let you. That you are not really in charge of whether you care for someone. Yes you have to make the first effort. But if someone doesn't take that care, and allow you to see what they need and how to care for them, then you can't. It was an interesting change of mindset. The article went into what this means for a classroom.

But the idea goes to any relationship. I thought you could care for anyone you wanted. But you really can't. You can only care for those that allow you to. So allow people to care for you that will take you to the places you want to go.

Summer is gone. So sad. The weather is still fantastic, but school has started. I am teaching the exact same students this year. I moved up in the sequence with them. Good and bad come with that. It is a little weird. But will be fine. Just need some time.

Getting back into the routine is a little difficult. But again just need some time. My life is now run by bells and schedules. Have to wait to go to the bathroom. Can't eat when I am hungry.

This summer was the summer of traveling. It is a bug, because I just want to travel now. Want to visit friends and places I have never been. I have this list of places to go. And the list is longer than my pocketbook. So sad. But I will get to them all. Someday.

Heather is glad I am back at work. Glad that she is home before I am. She wasn't a huge fan of getting up before me and getting home after me in the summer. And that is if I ever left the house. So she is glad school is back in session.

Will update the blog more now that I am back in a routine. Hopefully.

Have spent the last week and a half here in Africa. It has been the best experience of my life. (Experience, not moment. Marriage takes that award.) This place is amazing. The amount of joy that just comes out of the people despite the situations that they are in baffles me.

Hands down the highlight of the trip that has been speaking to two people about their experiences with the LRA and running from the Rebels. First I talked with George for about 4 hours. He told me all about the 3 years that he spent running from the LRA. How they had to crawl through the bush, hide in the trees, and dig holes under the swaps to sleep. Just an inhuman way to live. Couldn't believe the stories that he was sharing with me and how he survived.

The next guy that I talked to was named Stephen. He was abducted and forced to work for the LRA for 8 months. He met with Joseph Kony twice while he was in the LRA. He escaped one day in the middle of a battle. His stories were even crazier. By the grace of God he was never asked to kill anyone. Which is a miracle. That doesn't happen in the LRA. I can't even imagine being forced to do the things that he was forced to do. I can't even explain the stories he told. It wouldn't do it justice.

I am in debt to these two men for opening my eyes. You can watch the Invisible Children video as many times as you want. You can feel like you know what has gone on up here. And then you talk to George and Stephen, you realize you don't even understand the surface of it. I am blown away by their strength and courage. They are amazing men. They have seen more than I ever want to know. I am sure they haven't even told me the worst of it. I hope that their stories stay with me. Because their stories change me. They have to. They make me a better person. They have to. They make me realize my place in this world. They have to. They make me understand the grace and mercy of God. They have to.

We are in airports right now. Had an interesting night last night. My name was spelled incorrectly on my plane ticket so they wouldn't let me on the plane. Had to make a lot of calls and do a lot of smooth talking to get them to let me through security. Once I was through security, everything worked out. But it was an interesting couple of hours in the San Diego airport trying to get them to let me through security. A little stressful. But it all worked out. Hopefully they let me fly home. That could be bad. Heather wouldn't like that very much.

We are in DC right now and about to get on a plane for the next 14 hours. DC to Rome to Ethiopia. Change plans again, then head to Uganda. Long couple of days of traveling. But A fun experience with my group. Getting excited to get there and start working. After last night, Uganda will be relaxing. Should be able to post more later. You can follow the whole trip on the group blog.

www.sfcmedical.blogspot.com

Leaving on Wednesday night for my trip to Uganda. Very excited, and a little nervous. We have 30 hours of traveling to get there which should be interesting. But a good group and fun times. I will post as much as I can about what we are doing over there. Check in and see what we are doing.

I am going to Uganda. CRAZY. Never thought I would ever get the chance to do something like this. About two weeks ago, a friend of mine (fellow teacher), called me saying her male leader on the trip couldn't go any longer. She was stuck. No male chaperon for the trip that left in 6 weeks. They were buying plane tickets the next day. She said I didn't have a choice, that I just had to go with her and the team. Lucky for her I wasn't doing anything this summer, lucky for me, I get to go to UGANDA.

I am very excited, I have always wanted to go to Africa, but haven't really ever thought it would happen. And it is. I am scared, and a little nervous, but very excited. I am really looking forward to it. Janelle is a great friend, and I am excited to lead a trip with her. And we are taking some fun kids. Should be a great trip. We are going to be working in a medical clinic in Gulu, a city in northern UGANDA. Hang out with the locals, play with kids, and help some doctors that are going over with us take care of some people that could really use the medical care. Crazy to think that somehow, GOD has a purpose for me to be on this trip. That somehow, it is a good thing that Ryan can't go, and I can. That something incredible is going to happen while I am in UGANDA for that two weeks. Can't wait. Hopefully I will have Internet while I am over there and can post some updates from the other side of the world.

I have been asked to be the Chaplin of the lacrosse team at my school this year. Not sure what that means, but I said yes. Before you laugh at that, I don't really have "Chaplin" responsibilities. I just hang out and pray from time to time. It is a good gig. So I go to all the games, and stay out of the way.

So last night we played against Poway High school. If you haven't heard anything in the past month, a Poway student was murdered a few weeks ago. It has been a very big story in San Diego, and the whole city has really rallied around the story and the whole situation. Chelsea went missing for 4 days and the whole town was searching for her until she was found tragically murdered. Horrible situation.

So played Poway. It was a very big game. Both teams are very good. It was heated and close and a tight game. And then it was over. And it didn't matter who won. At that point, it was just two groups of guys, from two different worlds, that know exactly what the other is going through. Two different situations, two different scenarios, and the same painful feeling. The same loss. The realization that Will and Chelsea aren't coming back.

We brought both teams together at midfield after the game. Our team had made sweatbands that we wore during the game, and made some for Poway as well. Our coach spoke to the Poway boys, and just gave some life words. And then someone had to pray. And that was me. I was asked to pray for the Poway boys as they go through the pain that my boys are steal dealing with just a few months further in the process.

What do you say to them? What do you say to a GOD? How do you pray for guys that you don't even know, a school that you are not a part of, who is broken with little hope? I don't even remember what I prayed. I am pretty sure that I left a lot I should have said. I don't even think I prayed for Chelsea's family. Big mistake.

But last night, I was reminded of Will. How much I miss him, how he isn't here. I was reminded of the pain that I am still dealing with. The pain that all our boys are still dealing with. I am standing on the sideline watching the game. I see the Poway boys with Orange chin straps in honor of Chelsea. I see our boys with stickers on our helmets, and shirts with Will's name on it. Visual reminders of boys that are in pain. Boys that were asked to go out on the field and play, when they have so much else on their minds, knowing that whether they like it or not, they represent their fallen friends, their fallen teammate. I miss Will, I miss Chelsea, and I never even knew her.
Last night was rough. And it still is.

This is a big week for our basketball team. We lost a heart breaker last week to end the regular season. We are going into playoffs this week. We didn't get the seed that we were hoping for, but we did get a fun road to the championship. We are going to end up playing a team that didn't want to play us earlier in the year. We called to put them on our schedule, and their coach said that we weren't an "exciting enough team to play against." Can anyone say Karma. Now I don't really believe in that stuff, but I think it is really ironic that we are going to end up playing a team that didn't want to play us. I love that. And I pray that we just stick it to them.

So it is going to be a big week. Winding down the season and getting to the real exciting stuff. Just had a week off of school which was very relaxing and needed. Spent some quality time on the golf course and got to hang out with Heather. Heather went up to Redding to visit our nephew who is SUPER cute, leaving me here to fend for myself this weekend.

So this weekend I spent a lot of time by myself. Got to think a lot about nothing, and about everything. I don't really know why, but I got to thinking about a lot of big things. Choices, decisions, just life in general. And of course Will. I still miss him. A lot actually. I still miss him. I still stand outside my classroom between periods and expect to see him walking by and saying hi. I keep waiting for him to come into my room in the middle of class and totally disrupt everything in the most awesome way possible. I keep waiting to hear him laugh. I keep waiting to see him walk around the corner, and see that SMILE on his face. I still miss you WILL. I still miss you a lot. And I still don't get it. I am still looking for answers.

You grow up wondering what you are going to spend the rest of your life doing. When you are little, you tell yourself that you are going to be a doctor, or fireman, or athlete. And then you get a little older, and you tell yourself you are going to be an attorney or engineer. And then it comes time to actually figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. And you make this big decision without even really knowing what your life would look like if you went down that road. So you take this big leap and hope that you like what you do. And it is okay if you don't like your path. You can always change. But it is this huge decision, I mean, it is what you are going to work towards the rest of your life. YIKES!!!!!

So I went into teaching, wondering if I would even like it. All the planning, dealing with kids, dealing with parents. AND I LOVE IT! I am in my classroom right now. It is during one of my prep periods that I don't have class. 5 of my students have ditched out on class to come stop by my class. (For the record I have told them all to go back to class.) I love my job. I guess I just get high school students. To me, they are awesome. A little misguided and stupid, but a ton of fun. And I love teaching math. I like getting kids that HATE math, to at least be okay with it at the least. And get some kids to LOVE math. It is a ton of fun. I LOVE MY JOB. And I am very blessed to love my job. And very blessed to have one.

Being sick might be the worst thing ever. I have been sick for the past 3 weeks. And I am not exagerating at all. I have been sick with a sore throat, runny nose, and clogged ears. My nose has been constant. CONSTANT. As soon as I blow my nose, it is clogged again. I am convinced that this is what hell feels like. It is terrible.

As 2009 draws to a close, it seems weird that another year has passed by. I don't really remember anything major that happened this year which makes it seem like the year was boring and uneventful. But As I look back, it was a good year.

Year started out without anything major. Heather was still at the same job she had been at since graduating from college, and I was starting the my second semester in my First year at Santa Fe. The beginning of the year was uneventful, and we we still getting used to life together and figuring out how life works.

School year finished up, and my seniors graduated which was a weird feeling, and one of my favorite students, Tommy Mallon, broke his neck. That was a very humbling and scary experience that I will never forget. I spent the summer teaching summer school and spending time with Tommy as he was stuck at his house. The summer brought our first anniversary that was spent in Orange County on the coast. It was a relaxing trip that was great for both of us.

We moved to a newer, better condo which is closer to work, and much bigger. Moving isn't fun, but the place we are in now is so much better then the last place. It has been nice to be in a bigger place, with some room to put things, and room for the two of us.

A couple other summer trips brought us to August which began a new school year for me. It was a weird feeling letting kids go and getting new ones. But a few weeks in brought comfort back as I got to know my students better and we started having fun together.

October brought the death of one of my students, and a rock to my school. Will was killed in a car accident, and it left myself, and a lot of my students and families with a lot of questions. I miss Will. I still miss Will. I will always miss Will. He was a great kid, with an amazing smile, that will never be forgotten. I am still not sure what to do with that situation. It is still new and weird. I think about him often. I wish he was still here. But it is good to know he is with our savior, smiling down on us.

Basketball season started up which has been a ton of fun. We have a team that just works real hard all the time which is great for us coaches. We are off to a great start, and the new year starts league play which we are hoping to win. We have a good chance at it.

Heather is still at the same job, which offers a lot of flexibility which is fun so that we can take short vacations when my teaching schedule allows for some time off. We are looking forward to a good new year, with some new adventures, and fun trips together. We are taking life one year at a time, and this new year is a new start. We are thankful for our jobs, and the ability to be comfortable. We are excited for a new year and what it brings.

I spent the last four days in Morro Bay, which is a little town on the coast very close to San Luis Obispo. We had a basketball tournament there. It is a pretty cool little town. Not much to do, but had some incredible scenery and some great views. That whole area of California is unique and different. Both coastal as well as country. I spent the weekend with our other coaches and basketball players. Great memories and time spent with some quality guys. We spent one morning golfing in the rain. Played all 18 holes, 6 holes of which were solid downpours, 3 holes in a constant mist, and the other 9 under the sun. Great time. I am fortunate to coach with some great guys that I really enjoy being with. Our boys finished in second places, losing in the championship game.

If you ever get a chance, visit SLO, Cambia, Morro Bay, etc...Fun places to spend a few days.

Just a couple of days ago, i posted that things were going so well and nothing was really happening here. And then the next day comes. I lost a student on Sunday. In a car accident. He was thrown from the car and died on impact with the street. Four of his friends were also in the car, but they are all okay. I have all five boys in class this year. Not to mention the entire Junior class that is suffering from the loss of their friend. What do you do with an empty seat in a class that was occupied by their friend? That empty seat signifies a lot. It means everything to these kids. It means everything to me. That seat is never going to be filled. I miss Will. I miss his smile, his constant smile. I miss his smirk. That smirk that he gave when you caught him doing something. I miss his laugh. His laugh that meant you had really done something well. He didn't just laugh for anything. I miss his kindness. I miss his leadership. I miss Will Wardrip. It wont be the same without you Will. We don't move on, we just keep going. We keep going without you. Not by choice, but because we have to. Until we meet again, and we will meet again.

Life is moving along for the Gray's. Nothing major is really happening these days. My school year is moving well. I can't wait for Thanksgiving Break. I haven't had a day off since Labor Day so I have been feeling the grind. My students are doing well, still getting used to each other but it is moving a long well. Have some ones that frustrate me and some that I really like. But that is always the case. Basketball season is starting soon which is awesome and will keep me busy. But I am really excited about it. I was asked to help coach this year and I am so ready for the season. It is going to be a lot of fun.

Heather is doing well also. She is at the same job that she has been at since we graduated from college. It isn't anything special, but we both feel blessed to have jobs in a time that many people can't say that. We are very fortunate to both be working. We don't complain about work often, but when we do, the other reminds us that we both work and it puts things into perspective. Heather's job is very flexible and allows her to take days off if she needs to which she really likes. It allows her to travel and visit home and friends.

Life is good. We are blessed.

A little story about one of my students from last school year. I am honored to now call him my friend. Tommy's story is one that I hope no one has to live out themselves. But he is teaching me a lot about life. And I hate that he has to go through what he has to go through. But he does, and he is a fighter, and God has great things in store for him.

We got to spend this weekend with a lot of college friends. Almost all of them do not live in San Diego. So these are not people that we get to see very often. It reminded me how much I miss them, and reminded me just how much fun I had with all these people just a few years ago. It is crazy to think that I forgot all my college years just two years out. I was in one of my good friends wedding. A lot of us college friends all were in town to celebrate a great day and a great guy. It was so good to see all them, and SO great to remember what great time I had with all of them.

The other thing that this weekend made me realize is how valuable your friends are. There is just no replacing them. It makes me sad to sit here back at home and not be able to spend time with them. I am learning more and more that it is the people in your life that matter. Not so much where you are, or what you do, but the people that you spend it with.

To our friends: Thank you so much. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for all you have meant to us over the years. Thank you for shaping us as we have grown together. We value you. We hope that someday soon we can be closer and spend more consistent time together. Thanks for being you.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. And that sounds weird. And it probably isn't the best place to be dwelling. But it is where my mind has been going recently. And it isn't just a think about once type of thing. I have honestly been thinking about it a lot these past few weeks. And I don't really have a reason to either. I just have been.

I can't get over the fact that now one really knows what happens when you die. And no one can argue that point. People can say they know that there is a heaven and that when you die you walk to the pearly gates and you check in with Peter and you walk up and give GOD a high five and he says welcome. I mean that is what we have been taught since day one of Sunday school. And why wouldn't you believe that. It is better than the alternative. Cause the alternative sucks. If that isn't the way the story ends, then...well then I don't know what if that is the way the story ends. And I guess what I get held up on is the fact that no matter what anyone says, or how they try and convince you otherwise, no one really knows how the story ends. I get the faith thing. I get it, I really do, but how far does faith go. What if it isn't the way it works? What if?

So these are my thoughts these days. Not the greatest ways to be spending my energy or thought process. But at the end of every thought process, at the end of every analysis, at the end of every internal discussion, I come back to one single point. If I truly believe in a GOD of Love. If I truly believe that this GOD of Love created me. And if I truly believe that this GOD of Love that created me still cares about me. Then there has to be something good at the end of this. This love has to extend for a long time. This GOD of Love has too much invested in this to just let it end. It has to extend. This doesn't really help with my questioning at all. But at least it holds me over until the next time I think about it.

So we just moved to a new place. It is a lot nicer and a lot bigger. So all in all it was a great decision. We weren't sure if it was going to be a better place, but after a couple of days in the new place, we have decided that our new condo is a big upgrade.

That being said, I HATE MOVING. It is so much work. Way to many boxes. Lots of heavy objects. And way too many trips back and forth. My Dad came and helped us move which was huge. He brought his huge truck, and brought his trailer as well. So it took us four trips back and forth. It would have been a lot more trips if we didn't have the trailer. And we don't even have that much stuff. It is just the two of us and neither of us have very much. I can't even imagine a family of four moving who has been in the same house for a extended period of time. And a bigger family than four, yikes. And we just moved up the freeway a couple exits. Not a long trip.

Lets just say that I am glad to be done with it. It is over with and done. Thankfully.