Gray Matter

I have been asked to be the Chaplin of the lacrosse team at my school this year. Not sure what that means, but I said yes. Before you laugh at that, I don't really have "Chaplin" responsibilities. I just hang out and pray from time to time. It is a good gig. So I go to all the games, and stay out of the way.

So last night we played against Poway High school. If you haven't heard anything in the past month, a Poway student was murdered a few weeks ago. It has been a very big story in San Diego, and the whole city has really rallied around the story and the whole situation. Chelsea went missing for 4 days and the whole town was searching for her until she was found tragically murdered. Horrible situation.

So played Poway. It was a very big game. Both teams are very good. It was heated and close and a tight game. And then it was over. And it didn't matter who won. At that point, it was just two groups of guys, from two different worlds, that know exactly what the other is going through. Two different situations, two different scenarios, and the same painful feeling. The same loss. The realization that Will and Chelsea aren't coming back.

We brought both teams together at midfield after the game. Our team had made sweatbands that we wore during the game, and made some for Poway as well. Our coach spoke to the Poway boys, and just gave some life words. And then someone had to pray. And that was me. I was asked to pray for the Poway boys as they go through the pain that my boys are steal dealing with just a few months further in the process.

What do you say to them? What do you say to a GOD? How do you pray for guys that you don't even know, a school that you are not a part of, who is broken with little hope? I don't even remember what I prayed. I am pretty sure that I left a lot I should have said. I don't even think I prayed for Chelsea's family. Big mistake.

But last night, I was reminded of Will. How much I miss him, how he isn't here. I was reminded of the pain that I am still dealing with. The pain that all our boys are still dealing with. I am standing on the sideline watching the game. I see the Poway boys with Orange chin straps in honor of Chelsea. I see our boys with stickers on our helmets, and shirts with Will's name on it. Visual reminders of boys that are in pain. Boys that were asked to go out on the field and play, when they have so much else on their minds, knowing that whether they like it or not, they represent their fallen friends, their fallen teammate. I miss Will, I miss Chelsea, and I never even knew her.
Last night was rough. And it still is.

This is a big week for our basketball team. We lost a heart breaker last week to end the regular season. We are going into playoffs this week. We didn't get the seed that we were hoping for, but we did get a fun road to the championship. We are going to end up playing a team that didn't want to play us earlier in the year. We called to put them on our schedule, and their coach said that we weren't an "exciting enough team to play against." Can anyone say Karma. Now I don't really believe in that stuff, but I think it is really ironic that we are going to end up playing a team that didn't want to play us. I love that. And I pray that we just stick it to them.

So it is going to be a big week. Winding down the season and getting to the real exciting stuff. Just had a week off of school which was very relaxing and needed. Spent some quality time on the golf course and got to hang out with Heather. Heather went up to Redding to visit our nephew who is SUPER cute, leaving me here to fend for myself this weekend.

So this weekend I spent a lot of time by myself. Got to think a lot about nothing, and about everything. I don't really know why, but I got to thinking about a lot of big things. Choices, decisions, just life in general. And of course Will. I still miss him. A lot actually. I still miss him. I still stand outside my classroom between periods and expect to see him walking by and saying hi. I keep waiting for him to come into my room in the middle of class and totally disrupt everything in the most awesome way possible. I keep waiting to hear him laugh. I keep waiting to see him walk around the corner, and see that SMILE on his face. I still miss you WILL. I still miss you a lot. And I still don't get it. I am still looking for answers.

You grow up wondering what you are going to spend the rest of your life doing. When you are little, you tell yourself that you are going to be a doctor, or fireman, or athlete. And then you get a little older, and you tell yourself you are going to be an attorney or engineer. And then it comes time to actually figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. And you make this big decision without even really knowing what your life would look like if you went down that road. So you take this big leap and hope that you like what you do. And it is okay if you don't like your path. You can always change. But it is this huge decision, I mean, it is what you are going to work towards the rest of your life. YIKES!!!!!

So I went into teaching, wondering if I would even like it. All the planning, dealing with kids, dealing with parents. AND I LOVE IT! I am in my classroom right now. It is during one of my prep periods that I don't have class. 5 of my students have ditched out on class to come stop by my class. (For the record I have told them all to go back to class.) I love my job. I guess I just get high school students. To me, they are awesome. A little misguided and stupid, but a ton of fun. And I love teaching math. I like getting kids that HATE math, to at least be okay with it at the least. And get some kids to LOVE math. It is a ton of fun. I LOVE MY JOB. And I am very blessed to love my job. And very blessed to have one.

Being sick might be the worst thing ever. I have been sick for the past 3 weeks. And I am not exagerating at all. I have been sick with a sore throat, runny nose, and clogged ears. My nose has been constant. CONSTANT. As soon as I blow my nose, it is clogged again. I am convinced that this is what hell feels like. It is terrible.

As 2009 draws to a close, it seems weird that another year has passed by. I don't really remember anything major that happened this year which makes it seem like the year was boring and uneventful. But As I look back, it was a good year.

Year started out without anything major. Heather was still at the same job she had been at since graduating from college, and I was starting the my second semester in my First year at Santa Fe. The beginning of the year was uneventful, and we we still getting used to life together and figuring out how life works.

School year finished up, and my seniors graduated which was a weird feeling, and one of my favorite students, Tommy Mallon, broke his neck. That was a very humbling and scary experience that I will never forget. I spent the summer teaching summer school and spending time with Tommy as he was stuck at his house. The summer brought our first anniversary that was spent in Orange County on the coast. It was a relaxing trip that was great for both of us.

We moved to a newer, better condo which is closer to work, and much bigger. Moving isn't fun, but the place we are in now is so much better then the last place. It has been nice to be in a bigger place, with some room to put things, and room for the two of us.

A couple other summer trips brought us to August which began a new school year for me. It was a weird feeling letting kids go and getting new ones. But a few weeks in brought comfort back as I got to know my students better and we started having fun together.

October brought the death of one of my students, and a rock to my school. Will was killed in a car accident, and it left myself, and a lot of my students and families with a lot of questions. I miss Will. I still miss Will. I will always miss Will. He was a great kid, with an amazing smile, that will never be forgotten. I am still not sure what to do with that situation. It is still new and weird. I think about him often. I wish he was still here. But it is good to know he is with our savior, smiling down on us.

Basketball season started up which has been a ton of fun. We have a team that just works real hard all the time which is great for us coaches. We are off to a great start, and the new year starts league play which we are hoping to win. We have a good chance at it.

Heather is still at the same job, which offers a lot of flexibility which is fun so that we can take short vacations when my teaching schedule allows for some time off. We are looking forward to a good new year, with some new adventures, and fun trips together. We are taking life one year at a time, and this new year is a new start. We are thankful for our jobs, and the ability to be comfortable. We are excited for a new year and what it brings.

I spent the last four days in Morro Bay, which is a little town on the coast very close to San Luis Obispo. We had a basketball tournament there. It is a pretty cool little town. Not much to do, but had some incredible scenery and some great views. That whole area of California is unique and different. Both coastal as well as country. I spent the weekend with our other coaches and basketball players. Great memories and time spent with some quality guys. We spent one morning golfing in the rain. Played all 18 holes, 6 holes of which were solid downpours, 3 holes in a constant mist, and the other 9 under the sun. Great time. I am fortunate to coach with some great guys that I really enjoy being with. Our boys finished in second places, losing in the championship game.

If you ever get a chance, visit SLO, Cambia, Morro Bay, etc...Fun places to spend a few days.